I think sometimes I force myself to do things on sites just to try to get your attention. Like maybe, you will look at my new profile pic and like it or comment, but you don’t, and I see that you’re on. You act like you don’t care about me. Why should I be complaining though? Maybe it’s because I want to rekindle the friendship, but I guess you don’t want that to happen. Well. I tried, or at least I try indirectly. There’s not much for me to do. I know I need to move on, but how when I know we could still be could friends.

I have no idea why I even day dreamed about you today. Maybe it’s because I saw you last year on Christmas or maybe because I was around my cousin, who’s your friend. I mean, I honestly don’t know why out of all people. I mean, it’s nice that I fantasized about you bcus you’re fine and all but that’s still weird for me to be thinking of you. I doubt you even know my name. We’ve never even spoke to each other. Like we’ve been in the same household and same room before, but we’ve never said anything to each other which is quit unfortunate because I’d actually like to get to know you. But at the same time, what if I start to fall for you? Ouu no. I can’t. I guess I just had an expectation for you to arrive at the party again because of last year yet I always had a feeling that you weren’t going to come anyway. 

I mean, we may not have a romantic relationship in the future, but I’d at least like to get to know you. That’d be nice, but then again, that’s a bad idea.

I don’t think anyone realizes how vulnerable I can get. I mean yeah, there’s that funny, sarcastic self in me that I’m portrayed as, but I’m honestly covering up my sensitive side. I can’t open up to anyone unless I truly believe that they could take me seriously as a sensitive person. It’s hard for me to control my feelings so I hide it all and just try to laugh it up when I know those words will haunt me the whole time. 

I am depicted as this blunt girl at school by my friends, but 99% of them all don’t know the real me. The person who I wish to express, other than my fake self. I am that blunt girl at school, and I don’t embrace it. It sickens me to know that what people think of me isn’t the real me. I’m not that kind of person at all. That’s only one side to me, the small side of me. 

I wish I could show everyone who I really am and just start all over so everyone can see who I am truly on the inside.

What am I supposed to do?  or say. Or even react. I was really hoping for my mind to just refresh itself during this break. I know I’ve only officially been on break today, but still. Maybe I have to wait a bit longer for everything to settle in, but I can’t. I just want all of this to go away, and I know that if I continue thinking this way, I will stay this way. I mean, cmon. I’m listening to songs about love and I’m acting like it’s not my fault for this all occurring. I’ve been getting constant headaches because of this, and it doesn’t feel good. 

Society just had to put me into this crisis regarding love. I am still at a loss of words. I really, truly hope that I can get over this because I don’t think I can move on in my life without the closure, the reassurance. Why can’t I just talk to you all. If I wasn’t such a scaredy cat I would have this easier on me. So many emotions going through me, knocking me down all at once. 

Why did I have to be created this way. I can’t handle it even though I know there are a bunch of people who would gladly take my problems over theirs. I am too weak for this society. I may have been through a lot, but I haven’t become stronger from every experience.

I feel fake. I cover up all my emotions and hide them through the sarcasm and blunt attitude I have. That isn’t good, because one day I’m going to be pushed to the limits again and blow. I need to restart my life.

I honestly feel so alone these days. I may be around a bunch of people, but I still feel like there’s an empty spot in my heart. It’s love. I am seriously in the worst possible crisis ever. I don’t know how my life is going to turn out. I mean. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had a first kiss. And all the guys that have fallen for me, well, let’s just say they weren’t my type. 

I day dream everyday, hoping for that one guy to sweep me off my feet, catch me off guard, and put a smile on my face, but that hasn’t occurred yet. I feel lonely. I feel like nobody wants me because of my appearance, because of my attitude. I’m too shy around guys that I seem to fantasize about, but I’m such a bundle of joy around normal friends who I’d never think of dating. Like, what is wrong with me? I can’t even get a guy to like me. My life is a joke.

I’m not happy at all. I feel miserable on the inside all the time. I mean, my sister has a better relationship than I do, and I don’t think it’s fair. She always seems to get the guys, then there’s me. The chick that can’t get anyone, the one who doesn’t look good enough for any guy. The fat chick who doesn’t deserve to be happy. It’s like I have to lose weight for a guy to notice me. It makes me feel so worthless and unhappy thinking that no guy would ever want to date me. I may seem like I’m happy not having boy relationship problems, but I’m not.

My life feels incomplete without a companion there to catch me when I’m about to fall, hug me when I’m cold, or kiss me when I’m sad. I feel like I can’t experience that because of the way I am. I feel like I don’t belong in this society that I’m put into because I’m not the pretty girl around school, or the nicest one in the group. I’m different, and that’s how I was made. I can’t do much. I can’t seem to be loved as the way I am.

I know I should step up my game and all, but how could I do that when my self esteem is like -3543877147686184. I can’t do anything. Why did I have to be put into a tough position in life. Why can’t they find out who the real me is? I’m not strong enough to put myself out there. I get nervous, and probably get anxiety attacks. I can’t even say hi to a cute guy on the streets, let alone a guy from school. 

Why did this have to be so difficult for me. I feel like I have to work so much harder than a bunch of girls because I can’t be “the one” for any guy. Why me. Why me…

Okay, well. I don’t even know where to begin because of all these thoughts running through my mind right now. But, at the moment. I still question my feelings towards you, actually towards all of you. I don’t know why, but when I’m somehow reconnected with you, I can’t let go of that connection. It’s hard for me to forget about the past because of all that we’ve been through. I feel like the closure that I was supposed to get wasn’t give to me. I still feel like there’s something missing in me before I could actually move on. I see you in pictures, and I’ve recently seen you around and you pretended like I was a nobody, like a complete stranger. How am I stranger to you? Do you not remember that I used to have the biggest crush on you? Do you not remember that you used to like me too? Do YOU NOT REMEMBER WHEN YOU CRUSHED MY HEART?! I don’t get it at all. We went through A LOT together, not just in a personal relationship matter, but also a friendship. You were considered a best friend to me, and yet you screwed me over.

I don’t know how to deal with my emotions because of you. Like honestly, my mind is jumbled trying to fathom the fact that these feelings I had for you have resurfaced. It’s not like “Omg, I’m in love with you again” kind of feeling, but the love I had for you as a friend as well. Like our friendship is broken because of you. Yes, I do take blame for some part, but honestly, you broke the friendship we had. We don’t even talk anymore. YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME THE SAME WAY ANYMORE. I know I’m  being repetitive, but who cares. I’m trying to make a point here. I’m like sick of it. 

Sometimes I still day dream about you, because you know we could have been more than just friends. I wonder how we would have been as a couple, but I know that that wouldn’t have happened either way. After you moved on from me, I started to like you. Bad timing. I know. But why didn’t you tell me. Maybe something could have been created. 

That time I saw you face to face, you didn’t recognize me at all. But you remembered my sister huh? Why is that? HOW WAS MY SISTER MORE RELEVANT TO YOUR LIFE THAN ME. It hurts to know that you could have some sort of thing for her and hint about it when you never told me a thing. Don’t you remember? I found out you liked me months after I stopped liking you.

UGH. I don’t even know why I’m explaining all of this. You shouldn’t be an important asset in my life anymore. There is nothing I can do except hope for a little closure from you. I’m not going to talk first because those feelings might just reappear and I might have you in my head longer than expected. But seriously. I need a fresh start in my life, and if I’m able to move on from you, then maybe I can move on with my life. Maybe I could be happier in life.